Lordy lordy lordy...Last week SUCKED! I am drained in every way a person can be...yet still have enough emotion to write...eh its how i cope. Anywho yea last week sucked, love sucks, boys suck...and sometimes life in general just kinda sucks...this would be one of those times. I know when all of this is in retrospect i will feel like a total moron but right now it feels like nothing is ever gonna get better. I mean the things I have control over will get better, cuz as soon as it is possible lisa, kurt, and I are packin up and headin for the bright, sunny, promising west coast...California to be exact! And for that I can't wait. But last week just brought up some inner termoil that I thought I was done with, and now it feels like I'll never be able to subdue this shit again. All of my infiriority complexes, self loathing, doubt, fear, and destructive desires have resurfaced....and no I am not giving in to them but the fact that they are chirpin in my fuckin ear day and night isnt really fun...its actually kinda a downer lol. We've passed the stage of the devil and angel on each shoulder...it feels like there are two completely different people in my head...lol guess craziness is contagious, and I cought it from the Emporor of emotional instabilty. Ugh how can one person do this much damage...it sucks, and pisses me off. How could I let someone elses decisions so greatly effect me? I cant control any of this so why get my panties in a twist? I hate caring it very seldom amounts to anything...with love and well most people anyway. At least I still have my sis and nephew they are the light in my life right now...and music so at least I have a few good things in my life...things worth fighting for and worth ignoring my alter ego for. When I think of that, things dont seem so bad. But then i feel the gaping hole in my chest and remember how long it took this feeling to go away once, and now i wonder if it ever will. I know I will never quit loving him, but at some point i want to quit hurting over him. I want my good memories to be just that good, not things that make me bitter. I want to think back on these past six years at some point and feel happy for what I had and not mourn everything I lost. But thats sorta the way of things the bad is easier to hold onto than the good, at least for me anyhow...i guess i like being angry and my grand ability to hold a grudge dont help none. But this being said there is good in my life, and i need to remember that. As long as I have my sis i will be ok, I can get through anything if that girl is by my side...and even if i dont get over this for 20 years at least I know that when noone else gets it....she knows what I am going through, and i am so lucky to have someone who gets me that way. And another positive is that some sweet fuckin music is gonna come out of this whole debacle. Man I can't wait to get out of here...i'll still be hurtin, but at least there wont be constant reminders around every corner. And I just realized I didnt explain why shit sux right now...oh well story for another time I suppose. So ok heres the new stuff....and posting....NOW!